This morning at two o’clock, my wife Shirley died peacefully in her sleep. She’d been at home under hospice care for six weeks after an acute failure of her mitral heart valve. She was very brave and put up with the indignities of bed-care with good humor and without complaint, or at least without too much. Willful as always, one of her last acts was to turn down a medication I was offering her. She must have known she no longer needed it. It was a long goodbye and her death was hardly unexpected. I shan’t say “I’ll miss her”; how can you miss someone who remains an integral part of you? We had been married almost fifty years—I can no longer tell where she stops and I begin, and vice versa. During the last weeks she wanted no music in the house. Now Casals and Bach comfort me.
An afterthought: The worst thing about death is its finality. The door is closed. There is no rewind or edit. Whatever was was, for all time.
And another: The advantage of hospice care is that you get to die on your own terms. In Shirley’s case that meant serious introspection, no visitors, little talk, almost no food except a little wine, and no entertainment. “She needed all her concentration to go quietly,” was how a friend put it.
So sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this intimacy, I wish you strength, my thoughts will be with you.
My very best wishes
Mark Downing
I am sorry to hear about your wife passing away
My condolences to you and your family
Your note highlights how fortunate are you both
With regards
I’m so sorry. I’ve loved all your work since I first discovers it 30 years ago. Now, knowing that you grieve, I grieve too.
Thank you for sharing. I also lost my wife of 54 years, in April. We had, as you did, a very long and happy marriage. I hope that all else goes well for you and that you will remember the good times. With empathy, Marvin McConoughey
I am very sorry for your loss. Yours sincerely, Fritz
I am sorry to hear this. Wishing you peace and strength.
My sincere condolences on the loss of your dear Shirley. I hope you can find balance in the days ahead, as you hold her in your heart. I lost my long-time partner 11 years ago and I know how challenging these times are. Words are insufficient in the wake of your loss, but I know how much you value words, so I add these few words in the hope that you realize you are not alone in your grief. Hang in there!
I have long respected your insights about architecture, Witold (if I may), and I hope that your work continues to sustain you.
With warm regards, Jeff
My beloved wife of 54 years, Joan, died April 22. I mourn with you for all that we have lost. Life goes on and I wish you the very best of what can be in the years ahead.
Dear Mr. Rybczynski, I am so sorry for your loss. The pain of grief and loneliness must be beyond words, but thank you for sharing these tender, personal thoughts and feelings.
After several starts, I finally finished reading Home during a family vacation this summer. This was the first book of yours that I have read. I am now reading “Charleston Fancy,” which I selected because my wife and I are preparing for our first trip to South Carolina to visit our son, his wife, and our new grandson. I am also listening to The Most Beautiful House in the World, which is so beautifully narrated.
I like learning about “who” I am reading, and I was sad to learn last night that as I am just beginning to have a “literature relationship” with you, you have just experienced a tremendous loss. Again, I am so sorry.
Dear Professor Witold Rybczynskyi,
Your engaging talk last week in Northeast Harbor, Maine, I realize now, was just a year after your beloved wife’s death. I am so sorry for your loss.
Why do people say “passing”? You have lost your partner, your soulmate, and probably the mother of your children.a
And yet, you were present for all of the various individuals in the Neighborhood House in Northeast Harbor.
I have read everything you have written since the late 1970s and treasure every thought and perspective.
Not to bore you, I’m an historian of the social history of architecture and design, an urbanist, and a book producer.
Your perspective on Olmsted, as well as life and living penetrates to the core of what people experience.
Thank you!
Jan